Choices
by Darveyiscanon1
Summary: Taking place in 7x08, Donna struggles with her feelings and her choices affect not only her, but others as well. She attempts to figure out what these feelings mean, but not in the best way.


***Donna's Point of View***

We all make choices in life. To go to the party or to stay in. To study for that exam or to wing it. To tell that boy how you feel or to keep it concealed. Every day we decide how our story is going to unfold without realizing the weight of our choices.

For twelve years I said nothing. We had that one time together, but I still said nothing because I knew he wasn't ready. I could deal with the emotions that would occasionally boil from not being with him and I never thought anything of it. Not until her. I'm not sure why Paula bothers me so much more than the others, and boy are there a lot of others. Something about her though bothers me more than the rest.

Ever since they got together, there's been a swirling storm of emotion inside of me. It feels like I'm losing a part of who I am. I don't understand how Harvey's relationship can have that kind of effect on me. I'm making questionable decisions like talking to my ex who gave me an ultimatum the last time we spoke. I stand by my life choices, but why am I suddenly questioning them? Meeting Mark for lunch was a mistake and I knew it, but I went anyways. I'm losing control of who I am and I need to get myself back, but I don't know how.

When I went to lunch with Mark he invited me to see him at his hotel room. I know I shouldn't go but maybe this is how I find myself again. I need to prove to myself that Harvey's relationship doesn't bother me and if I can move on with Mark maybe I can finally be free of Harvey Specter.

Besides, I want him to be happy and Paula clearly makes him happy. He talks to her more than he ever talked to any other woman before her. That's all I've ever wanted for him. I just wish we could've been happy together.

I'll go to Mark's and then I will know that I can be happy too.

…

I make my way through the lobby of the hotel in a hurry. I can feel my heart pounding through my chest as my breathing quickens. I shouldn't have worn such a heavy coat because now I am sweating through it, though I think my nerves have more to do with it than the coat's warmth. I told Mark I would be there by eight o'clock and I still have ten minutes to spare. I can no longer tell if I am excited or anxious to see him when I step into the elevator and press his floor. I forgot how irritating elevator music is until that very moment, waiting to reach the twelfth floor.

Once I finally got there, I begin searching for his room. There's something in my gut that starts churning. I feel like I can hear myself saying to turn around and go back, but before I can listen to those thoughts I'm at his door. I sit there for a moment contemplating what I'm about to do. There's no turning back now. I reach my hand out and lay a soft knock on the wood door. As I do I feel a buzz coming from my pocket. I look down at my phone and read a text from my friend Rachel.

_**So glad Harvey gave you the night off! You deserve a fun night with a new guy! Have a great time on your date xoxoxo**_

The text message had punched me in the gut. I could say it's because I'm lying to my friend, but the truth is I'm lying to myself. Seeing his name on my phone is another reminder that I can never get rid of him. He's always going to be in my life, and a huge part of it. How can I go back to that emptiness? Burying my feelings for him will eat me alive, it already has. I can't tell him how I feel and I can't watch him be with someone else, both are excruciatingly painful.

As my thoughts continue to float around in my head, Mark opens the door. I can see the excitement in his eyes, but the eyes I'm looking into aren't the ones I want to be. I can feel the words coming out of my mouth, but no matter how hard I try to stop it, I can't. "I'm sorry, Mark. I can't do this."

Before he even has the chance to respond I'm running towards the elevator. There are a million different emotions running through my body at that moment. All I could think about is forgetting. Forgetting Harvey, Paula, and myself.

I make my way to the bar and find a seat near the end. I can see the gentlemen sitting, all eyeing me up and down, but men are the last thing I want to think about right now. "Make it a double," I motion to the bartender, " and keep them coming."

I can feel myself losing control again after the third or fourth drink, but that doesn't stop me. I want to forget, I need to. I just want to stop feeling for a moment. My feelings are what got me into this mess to begin with. I want to feel the weight off my chest for once.

…

I'm on drink number eight, I think. My words are slurred and my sight is fuzzy. I surprise myself when I don't fall over after getting up from my seat to go to the bathroom. As I check my phone as I stumble to the restroom, I see his name again. Something comes over me and before I know it I'm texting him.

_**I'm sorrhy I canks do tehis nymer.**_

_**Donna, where are you? What's wrong?**_

_**Mad e son Hotesl Im fin e. Dn werry.**_

_**I'm coming to get you.**_

***Harvey's Point of View***

I know something isn't right when I see those messages. I know when Donna is drunk or when she's tipsy, but she's far past both of those things. I need to make sure she is okay, but how do I explain this to Paula? Paula is great, but she doesn't trust me with Donna. I can't blame her, Donna and I are closer than most.

Hell, I could care less if she trusts us or not, Donna clearly isn't okay and I need to get to her. "Paula, I have to go."

She looks up from her book and shoots me a confused look. "Where could you have to go at this hour?"

"It's Donna. Something is wrong I need to go find her." I begin getting up out of bed when she grabs my arm.

"She's perfectly capable of helping herself. Let's just go to bed, I'm sure she will be fine. She's _Donna _after all."

I can sense her snarky tone when she says her name. I know what I am about to get myself into, but I know Donna is in trouble and she's worth the fight. "If I thought she could handle herself do you really think I'd be rushing out of bed at this hour to go find her? Are you ever going to trust me with her?"

"Why would I when every chance you get you're choosing her over me?"

I can feel my blood begin to boil. "I'm lying next to you right now. I'm with you but if you think you are going to give me a choice, you're not going to like my answer. You are damn right I'm going to choose Donna every time because she would do the same for me. If you really cared about me, you would understand that she has been there for me a lot longer than you have and I will be damned if I let anything bad happen to her. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to make sure that she is okay."

I start getting dressed in a hurry. She didn't say anything after that. I glance over at her and she appears to be in shock. I finish getting ready and as I am about to walk out the door I hear her footsteps behind me.

"If you walk out that door, I won't be here when you get back. Your choice is simple, her or me."

"I wish I could say I am surprised, but I'm not." I turn around and look at Paula. "Her." Before I can even see her reaction, I'm slamming the door behind me.

***Donna's Point of View***

My thoughts are all over the place just like me. I think I asked the bartender to give me a room and he was nice enough to escort me over to the front desk. I hand the woman my purse and tell her to charge it to the card in there. Once she hands me my belongings back along with the room key I head back over to the bar. "One for the road and make it strong." I can sense myself fumble over every word that just left my mouth.

"Miss Paulsen, I don't think that's a good idea," the bartender whispers to me.

"I don't care about good ideas anymore, just do it and you can keep the change." I throw him a twenty and the drink is in my hands within seconds. I lost count after twelve, so I'm not really sure which number this is.

Luckily the woman at the front desk gave me a room on this floor, so no long elevator rides for me. I stumble my way through the halls and try to find my room. After trying to swipe into the wrong room several times, I finally realize what I think is a zero is actually an eight and I find my way to the right room.

Once I get inside I down the glass the bartender just gave me. I don't feel well at all, but then I notice the minibar. I begin to raid it, not even checking to see what I am drinking before I do. I'm tossing empty bottles left and right after I finish each of them. I think I've finally gotten to the point without feelings. I slide down next to the bed and let out a loud sigh. I feel my back vibrating and I grab my phone from behind there. I see his name and it happens again. The flood of feelings begin to overwhelm me.

_**Donna where are you? **_

I can feel the loss of all self control as the tears begin to form in my eyes. Why does he care? It's three in the morning now. He shouldn't care what I'm doing he has Paula. I finish another mini bottle. I don't even know what it is because all my tastes have gone away. Something begins to tighten in my chest and as my head gets lighter, I feel myself drifting away.

***Harvey's Point of View***

She still hasn't replied to my text when I arrive at the Madison. I'm praying that she's here as her text is a little difficult to decipher. I run over to the front desk to find out where she is. "Hi. Have you seen a red headed woman about five eight anywhere in here? You can't miss her, I mean it's hard to miss a woman like that."

The woman's face turns sour. "She checked into a room about twenty minutes ago after she seemingly had one too many. I can't tell you anymore information though."

I begin to get angry as I know something isn't right with Donna. I know her and she never gets like this. "Look I understand that you aren't supposed to tell me her room number, but I need you to. Something is wrong. I know this woman better than I know myself and I am telling you that I know something isn't right. If you don't tell me where she is and something bad happens to her, that's going to be on you."

I notice the concern and guilt consume her face. She looks to check if anyone is watching and flips her computer around so I can see where Donna is. As soon as I see room 120, I'm sprinting.

I can't describe how I know Donna isn't okay but I just do. I can't imagine letting anything bad happen to her ever, and I don't regret for a second picking her over Paula. Paula is right, the choice is simple. Maybe I don't realize what's right in front of me. I'm picking Donna for a reason, I'd pick her over anyone.

When I find her room I immediately start banging on the door. I don't care if the people are asleep around us, I need to see her. I need to know that she is okay. I wait for a reply but she doesn't come to the door. I keep banging, but I don't hear anything. I sense someone walking up behind me and I turn to see a hotel manager. I explain to him that I locked myself out and I can't get back in. A little white lie doesn't hurt anybody. He looks at his phone and asks me the last name to which I reply "Paulsen". He apologizes for the inconvenience and begins to open the door for me. Once the door opens, my heart drops at the sight before me.

"Donna," I yell out. I see her lying on the floor motionless and I want to drop to my knees. I run over and bend down at her side. I scream for the manager to call 9-1-1 as I scoop her up into my arms. I can't tell if she's breathing or not. I don't even notice the tears falling from my eyes as the shock is seemingly taking over my body. Why would she do this? Her body exudes the smell of liquor and her once vibrant face is pale as a ghost. "Donna, wake up. You better stay with me. You don't get to leave me, not now, not after I chose you. You hear me? I chose you, I choose you and I'd choose you a thousand times over if I had to, so you don't get to leave me right now. You are going to open those beautiful eyes of yours and tell me what an idiot I am for taking so long to make the right choice."

The ambulance arrives and they move me to the side. It's like I'm watching everything happen in third person. I can see them taking her vitals and checking on her breathing, but I can't move to get to her. I finally snap back into reality once they start wheeling her off. "I'm not leaving her alone again," I say to one of the paramedics. She gives me permission to ride in the truck with them and we are off to the hospital.

_***Donna's Point of View***_

The throbbing pain coming from my head is the first thing I feel when I begin to wake. My eyes slowly open and take in my surroundings. They are unfamiliar, but I am quickly able to identify that I'm in a hospital. I let my head fall to the left to see what the pressure is on my arm. I think I am dreaming when I first see him. His head is resting on my lower arm as he continues to sleep. I notice the IV pressing into my arm slightly above where his head is resting. I can't remember how he got there or how I got here, but all that I can think about is the fact that we are both here together.

My arm starts to tingle from it falling asleep and I begin to wiggle my fingers as a reaction. I try not to wake him, but my efforts fail. He looks up at me and his eyes widen when they lock with mine. "Hey. Thank God you are okay."

I motion for the water cup and he brings it over to me. I take a small sip before I speak. "What happened? How did I get here?"

"I found you..." he pauses as he begins to choke up. I watch him gather himself and start again. "I found you passed out on your hotel room floor. I could smell that you had been drinking, but I don't understand why. What possessed you to nearly drink yourself to death?"

I hesitate before I answer, but the word vomit just comes. "You." I can feel myself instantly regretting the word after it comes out of my mouth.

"What do you mean? I've barely even seen you all day… did I do something?"

I can't stop now, not after I already started spilling my guts to him. "You definitely did something to me. I just wanted to stop feeling it for a second and I thought maybe if I drank just enough, the feelings would turn off. I must've lost track of how much I had. I wanted a moment of peace without you consuming my mind. My life is Harvey Specter this and Harvey that and I just wanted to not feel it anymore."

I can read the confusion on his face. "Feel what?"

"Nothing." I need to stop lying to him. "Everything. You are everything, Harvey. This isn't just a working relationship for me. I've been lying to myself saying it was, but I don't think it has ever been just that for us. You make me feel things I've never felt before. That's why I was drinking so much tonight. I can't have you and I wanted to forget. I wanted to stop feeling the way I feel. It's too hard to watch you be with someone else."

I know I shouldn't say any of it, but I need to. I'm well aware that he is with Paula, but he deserves the truth as to why we are here. I didn't nearly drink myself into a coma for no reason. I watch him as he tries to figure out exactly what I mean. "I know you are with Paula and it-."

"I'm not with Paula anymore," he interrupts. "She gave me a choice and I made my decision."

I can't believe the words that just came out of his mouth. They aren't together anymore. I feel happy for myself, but I also can't help but feel bad for him. "You wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for me. I'm so sorry, Harvey."

"I'm not. It wasn't a hard choice. She asked me to choose between her and you," he pauses, "and I chose you." He reaches out and grabs my hand as he leans in close to my body. The warmth of his hand on mine sends chills down my spine. "You don't have to feel bad for me because if I had to choose again, I'd still choose you and I'd pick you every time. It took me until now to realize that I never want to lose you, Donna. Seeing you on that floor nearly killed me. When I thought you weren't going to make it, I thought I wouldn't survive either. Then you made it through and I realized that I don't want to keep making the wrong choices. The right choice has been staring me in the face for twelve years, but I was too blind to see it."

This is it. I finally get the chance to do what I should've done a long time ago. I move my hands to cup his face and I pull him close to me. Our lips collide setting off fireworks inside my body. I can feel his lips melting into mine as he deepens our kiss. I miss his taste the second our lips part. "You're right… that was definitely the right choice."

I finally see the cheshire grin that I've been dying to see, appear on his face. It immediately melts my heart. "Now get some rest, Paulsen. I'll be right here when you wake up."

I smile back at him, but I'm not going to let him sleep in that uncomfortable hospital chair. "You could sleep there, but I think there is enough space next to me. What do you say?"

He slowly stands up and leans in close to my face, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. "That's an easy choice," he whispers. He carefully sits next to me and wraps his arm around my head. I feel him begin to stroke my hair and the motion nearly puts me right to sleep. We are both finally where we are supposed to be… together.


End file.
